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Monday, March 13, 2006 

Guide to St. Patrick's Day

Is it March 17th already? No, but it's close. As a service to you, the reader, I am going to tell you how to get the most out of your St. Patrick's Day experience. While I am not full-blooded Irish, I do have Irish blood (90 proof) flowing through my veins and a teeming, multi-branched family tree to back up my Irish Catholic heritage. Here is how your March 17th should unfold...

Ingest: Start your day off like any good son or daughter of Erin would, a good Irish breakfast. Irish breakfast foods include pork sausages, bacon, eggs (usually fried), black pudding, white pudding, Irish soda bread (made with whiskey), barmback (weird ass fruit bread), and wash it down with an Irish coffee (coffee with whiskey). Personally, I think this meal was invented as a dare. Consume at your own risk.
Listen to: St. Patrick's day is all about music. While enjoying (choking down) your breakfast, I would suggest something mellow but with Irish connections. Try Byzantium - The Book of Kells & St. Aidan's Journey by Jeff Johnson and Brian Dunning.

Ingest: You've got about 6,000 calories in your stomach from breakfast. It's time to attack that huge mass of pork and grains with a few beverages. I'd go with an Irish beer, like Harp or Smithwick's. They are tasty but not too heavy. Hopefully, a few beers will get the digestive system working and get that breakfast out of you as quickly as possible.
Listen to: Irish traditional, drinking, and folk songs (I'm using these terms in the broadest way possible). Everyone should know a few of these songs, regardless of your ethnic origin. I'm a fan of Dirty Old Town, Spanish Lady, Finnegan's Wake, Step It Out Mary, and about a hundred more. No Danny Boy. For the love of God, no Danny Boy.

Early Evening
Ingest: Eat something. I don't care what, just make sure it's got some substance to it. If you can get your hands on it, I'd recommend a big bowl of colcannon. It's sort of like mashed potatoes made with two pounds of butter, bacon or ham, and cabbage. Wash that down with a few pints of Guinness.
Listen to: With this much "good cheer" (alcohol) in you, you'd better be singing now or else you're just no fun. Continue with the Irish tunes from the afternoon, but add a few tracks from The Pogues and Dropkick Murphys.

Ingest: Irish Car Bombs. For the three people in the world who don't know what an Irish Car Bomb is, it's a shot of Jameson Whiskey with a little Bailey's Irish Cream, dropped into half a pint of Guinness and slammed. This is why you ate three pounds of potatoes earlier in the evening.
Listen to: Flogging Molly.

Late Evening
Ingest: Irish whiskey. I don't care if it's Jameson, Tellamore Dew, John Powers, Bushmills, whatever. At this point in the night, even those of you who don't like the taste of Irish whiskey should be able to handle it.
Listen to: Who cares? It's not like you'll notice it anyway.

Early Morning
Ingest: Water and Taco Bell.
Listen to: Drunks smashing empties and fighting in the streets after bar close.

Be safe, drink responsibly, and saol fada chugat!

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  • I'm Steve
  • From Milwaukee, Wisconsin, United States
  • "There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." P.J. O'Rourke
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