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Saturday, April 01, 2006 

Just Off the News Wire This Morning...

Supreme Court Shake Up

Washington, D.C. - A series of events has caused a massive shake up in the United States Supreme Court. Five new Justices have been confirmed by insomnia-stricken Republican Senators during a late night session.

Justice David Souter was taken into custody by the Washington D.C. local government via the power of eminent domain. Using the recent Kelo v City of New London decision, the Council of the District of Columbia took title to Souter. Chairman Linda Cropp stated that the council decided that Souter had a better economic use as a DC cab driver. He starts work Monday.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was seen leaving in the late afternoon with agents of President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe. In the spirit of his controversial land reforms, Mugabe instituted a policy of judicial reform. The Zimbabwe Parliament approved Mugabe's plan to stock their judiciary with the best judges possible from around the world. Ginsburg, a supporter of the influence international law, complied with Mugabe's request that she join Zimbabwe's bench.

Justice John Paul Stevens was last seen entering the Beau Ties, Ltd. factory three weeks ago. He has been missing ever since.

Justice Stephen Breyer is beginning a new job with a Washington D.C. Starbuck's. Breyer famously spent the past eleven years as the junior Justice. One of his duties included getting coffee for the other Justices. Since Justice Samuel Alito has joined the Court, Breyer has been relieved of his duties. In his resignation letter (which smelled like a mocha latte), Breyer told President Bush that he has finally found his true calling.

Justice Anthony Kennedy, mirroring his indecisive concurring opinion in Vieth v Jubelirer, has been standing in front of a mirror for the past two weeks comparing tie-shirt combinations. Kennedy refuses to come out of his home until he finds the right combination. He also refuses to let anyone help him.

In light of this strange activity, five vacancies have developed on the Supreme Court. President Bush, relieved to not have to pick a single name from his list, simply sent his entire list to the Senate Judiciary Committee. Late in the night, the Senate Republicans voted to confirm the five new Justices. None of the Senate Democrats were in attendance for either the committee vote or the Senate vote because they all have diarrhea.

Monday morning, the Roberts Court will welcome Justices Michael McConnell, Frank Easterbrook, Diane Sykes, J. Michael Luttig, and Janice Rogers Brown.

In other news, People for the American Way's Ralph Neas' head just exploded.

Don't worry. I'm not quitting my day job to become a humorist.

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